The Minister’s Helpmeet

By Joel R. Beeke

Likewise must the deacons be grave, not double-tongued, not given to much wine, not greedy of filthy lucre; holding the mystery of the faith in a pure conscience. And let these also first be proved; then let them use the office of a deacon, being found blameless. Even so must their wives be grave, not slanderers, sober, faithful in all things. Let the deacons be the husbands of one wife, ruling their children and their own houses well. For they that have used the office of a deacon well purchase to themselves a good degree, and great boldness in the faith which is in Christ Jesus. 

—1 Timothy 3:8-13

The wife of a pastor has a high calling. In some respects this calling is like that of any other Christian wife. God says in Genesis 2:18, “It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him an help meet for him.” Drink in those words: your husband needs you. You are God’s specially designed “help” for him, crafted to be “meet” or fitting, that is, corresponding to him as a man and his calling in the world. You must therefore fit your life to his as his helper. This is the calling of every wife. [1]

Yet, in other respects, a minister’s wife has a special calling because of the special nature of her husband’s calling. He bears special gifts, responsibilities, and honor within the church. If he serves well, he will receive a special crown of glory from the chief Shepherd (1 Peter 5:5). Thus your calling as his wife engages you in special responsibilities and special honor. You are called to be his helpmeet in spiritual character and supportive care. The heart of this is based on 1 Timothy 3:11. Though you as a Christian’s wife are called to many things, we will focus specifically on your calling as a minister’s helpmeet.

You may find it odd that I prefaced this article with a passage of Scripture that speaks about deacons. Don’t misunderstand; I’m not nominating any women for the office of deacon. Nor am I saying that a pastor is a deacon, for the Bible clearly teaches that the role of pastor or shepherd belongs to the category of elders or presbyters (Acts 20:17, 28; 1 Peter 5:1-2). Pastors are teaching elders, a sub-class of elders or bishops who are called to labor in preaching and teaching the Word. They are thus worthy of double honor (1 Tim. 5:17).

But let us go back to 1 Timothy 3:8-13. In the midst of a description of men who are qualified to serve as deacons is a statement that specifically relates to their wives: “Even so must their wives be grave, not slanderers, sober, faithful in all things.” I realize there are different translations and interpretations of this verse. Though “wives” could also be translated “women,” the Greek original shows this category is distinct from deacons and does not refer to female deacons. [2] Also, these women are not officers in the church, for Paul’s reference to them is brief and sandwiched into his discussion of deacons (vv. 8-10, 12-13). It is consistent with Paul’s teaching in 1 Timothy 2:12 that women should not teach or have authority over men in the church. The same word for wife appears in 1 Timothy 3:12, which refers to “husbands of one wife.” So it is best to view verse 11 not as a generic statement about women in ministry, but as a statement that a deacon’s wife must have certain spiritual characteristics. [3]

Paul offers no comparable statement about the wives of bishops in the early part of 1 Timothy 3. But surely if a deacon’s wife must have these qualities, how much more must a pastor’s wife have them?

Therefore verse 11 sets forth first the spiritual character of an office bearer’s wife: gravity, confidentiality, sobriety, and faithfulness. The spiritual beauty of a godly woman is like a lovely bed of flowers, each of which has certain characteristics. A flower garden does not grow from seed to full blossom in a day; growth takes time and effort plus the blessings of rain and sunshine. Thus, I urge you, in dependence on the Holy Spirit, to put on the graces of a godly woman, investing the needed time and effort and seeking the blessing of Jesus Christ, who gave Himself to redeem you from all lawlessness and to make you His own.

The Gravity Of A Pastor’s Helpmeet

The word translated grave means honorable or “worthy of respect.” [4] It suggests a person who is serious and earnest about living in accord with God’s moral law. [5] If a wife is a flower, gravity is the stem of the flower. Pastor’s wives may be beautiful and delicate in some respects, like the petals of a flower, but they also need strong spines. That does not mean you must be stiff; but you must be strong. Trials and temptations will require this of you, not to mention the demands of your life in the home and at church.

A woman worthy of honor, according to Proverbs 31:30, is “a woman that feareth the LORD.” The text goes on to say, “She shall be praised.” This woman sees something of God’s infinite glory, and her heart delights to serve Him with fear and trembling. She sees heaven and hell as ultimate realities, which gives her a serious, or “grave,” commitment to doing God’s will in all things.

Do not think the word gravity suggests a pastor’s wife has had the nerves to her lips cut so that she can’t smile anymore, much less kiss her husband. True gravity is consistent with laughter and love. Remember Proverbs 17:22, “A merry heart doeth good like a medicine: but a broken spirit drieth the bones.” The more you fear the Lord, the less you will fear others and become a woman of hope.

Solid, reverent hope will enable you to make the sacrifices necessary for ministry as well as daily Christian life. Don’t expect your husband to work only forty hours a week; few men of any vocation do. You may long for more of his time and attention. I am not suggesting that you sacrifice your marriage before the idol of ministry; God does command you to develop your marriage. But being a helpmeet will involve sacrifice. If you view the sacrifices of ministry through the lens of the fear of the Lord, you can rejoice. If you have gravity of soul, the ministry of the gospel will have a glorious weight that will make the day’s pain seem light and momentary.

Gravity of character will also help you honor your husband. Ephesians 5:22 says, “Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord.” You must honor and submit to your husband, even though he is a sinful and imperfect human being, because his authority and what he is called to do reflect the perfect righteousness and infinite majesty of God. “A virtuous woman is a crown to her husband: but she that maketh ashamed is as rottenness in his bones” (Prov. 12:4). Sara Leone writes, “Remember that your husband is judged in part by your behavior—be an asset, not a liability to him.” [6]

The Confidentiality Of A Pastor’s Helpmeet

Wives must not be “slanderers,” says 1 Timothy 3:11. Slander suggests evil speaking or malicious gossip. Remarkably, this word is normally translated the “devil,” for the devil is the accuser of the brethren. Wives who carelessly or maliciously spread secrets are more like the devil than they realize. Here again the wives of pastors must be like flowers. Tulips close at night when it grows cold but open in the morning of warm sunshine. Likewise, Christian wives should have mouths like tulips that know when to close to protect people and when to open in the warmth of love. A pastor’s wife has access to many secrets and bits of private information about people in the congregation. You must close your mouth on these secrets. Proverbs 11:13 says, “A talebearer revealeth secrets: but he that is of a faithful spirit concealeth the matter.” Too much talking may dangerously undermine your husband’s trustworthiness in the church. Let your love for people be like a blanket that covers the nakedness of their shame. Proverbs 17:9 says, “He that covereth a transgression seeketh love; but he that repeateth a matter separateth very friends.” One schoolteacher put a sign in her classroom to discourage gossip by asking students to consider three simple questions before saying something about someone else: “Is it true? It is kind? Is it necessary?” [7]

You must also respect the privacy of your husband. People are curious about their pastor, sometimes in an unhealthy way. So take care not to relate things that are personal to him, and never criticize him in public. Proverbs 31:11a says, “The heart of her husband doth safely trust in her.” Be worthy of his trust. That does not mean you cannot share anything about your husband; there are innocent things that your husband does not mind if you share. For example, I don’t mind if my wife tells others that I am a poor singer. But never criticize your husband or broadcast details of his personal life in public.

My mother used to say that you can talk about people all you want as long as you say good things about them. So show deep respect for your husband in your words. That can lift him up in the eyes of the congregation as well as be a role model for other women in how to show respect to their husbands.

The Sobriety Of A Pastor’s Helpmeet

Paul told Timothy that the wife of an office bearer must be “sober.” This rules out drunkenness or drug abuse, of course, but it also refers more broadly to exercising clear thinking and self-control. [8] A pastor’s wife must be ruled by the wisdom of the Holy Spirit, not her passions and desires. She must be watchful and vigilant (2 Tim. 4:5; 1 Peter 5:8). The Bible associates this clear-headed sobriety with the hope that Christ will return (1 Thess. 5:6, 8; 1 Peter 1:13; 4:7).

Sobriety is the root of the flower, from which the stem grows and by which the whole flower is nourished. It is a mindset and attitude shaped by the doctrines of the Bible, especially the doctrines of God’s grace in Christ manifested in His past death on the cross, His present work in sanctifying our lives, and His future coming in glory (Titus 2:11-14).

As a pastor’s wife, you should cultivate your mind in communion with Christ. You should read God’s Word, meditate on His truth, and have daily personal devotions. You should also read good books. I understand that your schedules are full from dawn to dusk. But if you can read an edifying or useful book just fifteen minutes a day, you will be surprised how many books you complete over the years, for fifteen minutes a day adds up to ninety hours in a year. By reading and growing theologically, you will also increasingly become one with your husband, who, by gifts and calling is a reader, thinker, and communicator. You will enter into his world by reading solid books.

Also, consider listening to good preaching and teaching while you go about your daily duties.

By cultivating a sober, biblical mind, you will also become more deeply rooted so that you may be equipped to handle the times of discouragement that will come. There are many precious, sweet experiences of serving as a pastor’s wife here on earth, but there are also times of darkness and difficulty. A survey of evangelical pastors’ wives revealed that 41 percent experienced frequent emotional ups and downs, 35 percent thought they needed help with overcoming discouragement or depression, and 17 percent said they were close to burnout. [9] For your own sake, you should be rooted and grounded in the faith and love of Christ (Eph. 3:18; Col. 2:7-8).

Sobriety will help fortify your attitude to your husband in countless ways. For example, consider your attitude toward his books. Sobriety tells us that a minister is called to labor in knowledge and words. He trades in knowledge and crafts words. He is a servant of the word of truth, the gospel of our salvation. God has called him to this. Therefore, do not resent the number of books your husband has or make him feel guilty about buying more. He needs books the same way a carpenter needs tools. Some tools are only used once or twice a year, but when the time comes, they are sorely needed. So don’t expect your husband to read every book he buys cover to cover; some are reference works. Help him set a budget for books as part of your financial planning. When he is excited about a new book, share his joy. Consider too that you will benefit from his books through his preaching. View his books and studies and his entire ministry with a sober mindset that is informed by the Word of God.

The Fidelity Of A Pastor’s Helpmeet

Our text goes on to say that wives should be “faithful in all things.” We have established that gravity or a serious commitment to holiness is the stem of the flower of a pastor’s helpmeet. Confidentiality closes this flower’s petals at night. Sobriety roots the flower, supporting and sustaining it with a clear, biblical mindset. Faithfulness, then, is the fragrance of the flower. It is the sweet aroma of a freshly blooming rose. Just as a flower’s fragrance fills the space around it, so a pastor’s wife should be “faithful in all things,” bringing the fragrance of Christ to every aspect of life. Three aspects of this faithfulness in action are prayer, constructive criticism, and love.

Colossians 4:2-4 commends prayer for a helpmeet’s ministry, saying, “Continue in prayer, and watch in the same with thanksgiving; withal praying also for us, that God would open unto us a door of utterance, to speak the mystery of Christ, for which I am also in bonds: that I may make it manifest, as I ought to speak.” By saying “continue in prayer,” the text implies steady perseverance or faithfulness in a daily ministry of prayer. If the duty of members is to pray for their ministers, how much more should wives pray for their minister-husbands? Pray with your husband. Pray for him. Pray for church members. When your husband hears you praying for the church, he will know that you care about the ministry as much as he does.

Constructive criticism is another aspect of faithfulness. Proverbs 27:5-6 says, “Open rebuke is better than secret love. Faithful are the wounds of a friend; but the kisses of an enemy are deceitful.” If you refuse to give your husband feedback on his preaching, teaching, and leadership, you will rob him of valuable insights that could help him grow. Of course, that doesn’t mean hitting him with a sledge-hammer on Sunday nights! There are better times and better approaches to the task. Think of constructive criticism as a sandwich. Start with a layer of praise for something that he did well. Then give him a layer of suggestions on how he could have done better. Top this with another layer of praise. He will most likely swallow the entire sandwich without complaint.

In addition, be aware of when your husband is most willing to eat this sandwich. For some pastors, perhaps very few, this is right after the service. For others it is best to wait until Tuesday! Also, offer your suggestions respectfully and submissively, as you would to any leader. Mary Somerville writes, “Do you constantly catch yourself evaluating your husband as a speaker instead of seeking to have God speak to your heart through His Word?… I shouldn’t be thinking about how people are responding to his preaching rather than concentrating on my own life in relation to the Word of God. Just think of how much more our husbands will be built up when we share how his preaching impacted our lives!” [10] Forget about what others may be thinking; it is enough to ask whether you yourself correctly understood what was said, and whether or not it was helpful to you as a Christian.

A third aspect of faithfulness, and the most important for you as helpmeet of your husband, is conjugal love. The Scripture says that an office bearer should be a “husband of one wife.” If married, he must be a one-woman man, implying that an exclusive marital bond between him and you is central to his ministry. Therefore investing in your relationship with your husband will bless not only the two of you but also the church you both serve. One of the most significant ways you can help your husband in his ministry is to cultivate an intimate and godly union with him.

Stay best friends with your husband. When Titus 2:4 says, “[T]each the young women…to love their husbands,” it literally means “be [their] husbands’ friend.” [11] Friends are more than two people who are nice to each other. Friends are joined together. Proverbs 18:24b says, “There is a friend that sticketh closer than a brother.” Friends stick together throughout the hardships of life. Proverbs 17:17 says, “A friend loveth at all times, and a brother is born for adversity.” Friends support each other because they share life together. Ecclesiastes 4:9-10 says, “Two are better than one; because they have a good reward for their labour. For if they fall, the one will lift up his fellow: but woe to him that is alone when he falleth; for he hath not another to help him up.” Therefore work to be a faithful friend to your husband so that your lives may be joined together through thick and thin. Your husband needs you, for “[i]t is not good that the man should be alone” (Gen. 2:18).

Loneliness in the ministry is a common problem that makes your friendship with your husband very important. A study done by U.S. News and World Report showed that the ministry was the second loneliest job out of a hundred occupations. The first was a night watchman! Why is the ministry so lonely? Even though a pastor is around people all the time, the nature of his work makes it difficult for him to open up his heart and share his burdens with the congregation. People expect their shepherd to be strong. They also need to feel that the pastor loves all members equally. This expectation limits how close he can get to any one person in church. As a result, much of a pastor’s social fulfillment must come from his family, especially his wife.

Feed and water your relationship with your husband. Talk with him, especially at night when your work is done. Sit together, talk together, and read together. Ask about his day. Listen to him. Discuss decisions that need to be made. Do so with love and submission. Be careful how you disagree with each other. As Somerville says, “One evening as Bob and I were having a heated discussion over an issue that we were working through our son called from the bedroom and asked us to stop arguing. Bob responded, ‘We aren’t arguing, we’re discussing.’ To which Daniel retorted, ‘Then can you discuss a little quieter?’” [12] This story is a reminder that your children have a need to be shielded from many of the pressures and difficulties of life in the ministry. A true home is a refuge and place of safety.

Do things together, too. My wife and I regularly take a bike ride in the morning and a walk together in the evening. Keep romance alive. Do what you can to look good for him. Enjoy physical intimacy with him. And don’t forget to compliment him. If he has beautiful eyes but a nose like the Goodyear blimp, tell him he has beautiful eyes! Focus on the positive. There will be men and women complimenting your husband; why let him get praise from another woman but not from you? Whatever he does for you, from the pulpit to the kitchen to the bedroom, take note and thank him. Be positive so that home is his favorite place to be.

Support your husband through conjugal love. One purpose of a flower is to attract bees and butterflies to its sweetness. Be a flower that attracts your husband and keeps him coming back for more.

Conclusion

If you have already begun to be women of gravity, confidentiality, sobriety, and fidelity, you mean so much to your husbands. When John Calvin’s wife Idelette died in 1549, he wrote to a friend, “I have been bereaved of the best companion of my life, of one who, had it been so ordered, would not only have been the willing sharer of my indigence [or poverty], but even of my death. During her life she was the faithful helper of my ministry. From her I never experienced the slightest hindrance.” [13] That is a remarkable statement when one considers that it must not have been easy to be the wife of a man like John Calvin!

Godly pastors’ wives are like a garden full of flowers, a veritable Eden of beauty and fragrance. Your blossoms will beautify more than just your marriage and family, for you are the helpmeets of the servants of the Lord. You are God’s garden planted to refresh the spirits of the preachers of Christ. Your fragrance is the fragrance of Christ, and when your husbands go to the pulpit or classroom or meeting room, they carry the heavenly scents that they have absorbed from you to the world.

Therefore, labor in your flowerbeds. Survey every quality named in 1 Timothy 3:11 and consider how you can grow more plentiful and beautiful flowers. Pick one area where you are weak, and start there. Pray. Put sin to death and put on the deeds of the new man. Talk to your husband. Enlist the help of another godly woman. Read a book on the subject. Keep praying. And in all things, rest in Jesus Christ as your Savior from sin. Do not tackle spiritual growth without faith in the full forgiveness and reconciliation accomplished by Christ’s shedding of His blood. And do not attempt to grow as flowers without being watered by the Holy Spirit sent down from heaven by the exalted Christ.

May God grant that the faithfulness of you and your husbands over a lifetime of ministry will result in the flowering of our churches, fulfilling the prophecy of Isaiah 35:1-2, “The wilderness and the solitary place shall be glad for them; and the desert shall rejoice, and blossom as the rose. It shall blossom abundantly, and rejoice even with joy and singing: the glory of Lebanon shall be given unto it, the excellency of Carmel and Sharon, they shall see the glory of the LORD, and the excellency of our God.”

Notes

1. This article is an edited version of an inaugural address I gave in 2011 for the MWI (Ministry Wives’ Institute) of Puritan Reformed Theological Seminary. I wish to thank Paul Smalley for his assistance.
2. Just the category of deacons is introduced with “likewise” (ho¯sauto¯s), distinguishing them from the bishops, so also the wives are distinguished with the same word (translated “even so”), distinguishing them from the deacons.
3. See George W. Knight III, Commentary on the Pastoral Epistles, New International Greek Testament Commentary (Grand Rapids: Eerdmans, 1992), 170-72.
4. Knight, Commentary on the Pastoral Epistles, 168.
5. The related noun means “dignity, seriousness, and connotes moral earnestness.” Knight, Commentary on the Pastoral Epistles, 118.
6. Sara J. Leone, Her Husband’s Crown (Edinburgh: Banner of Truth, 2007), 44
7. Leone, Her Husband’s Crown, 31.
8. Knight, Commentary on the Pastoral Epistles, 159, 172.
9. Lynne Dugan, “National Association of Evangelicals Survey of Ministers’ Wives: Executive Summary,” in Heart to Heart with Pastors’ Wives, comp. Lynne Dugan (Ventura, Calif.: Regal Books, 1994), 163, 165.
10. Mary Somerville, One with a Shepherd: The Tears and Triumphs of a Ministry Marriage (The Woodlands, Tex.: Kress Christian Publications, 2005), 114.
11. It is a compound noun formed of “friend” (Greek philos) and “man” or “husband” (Greek aner or andros).
12. Somerville, One with a Shepherd, 123.
13. Letter CCXXXVIII, April 7, 1549, in Letters of John Calvin, ed. Jules Bonnet (Philadelphia: Presbyterian Board of Publication, 1858), 2:216.